


One Last Shot (Don't Wanna Stop)

by sadspencer



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Boys in Skirts, Drinking, Drunk Spencer Reid, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Flirting, Happy, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Makeup, because i am my own target audience, i just wanted to make myself laugh, this one is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28523340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadspencer/pseuds/sadspencer
Summary: "you all suck.""based off of what you said a few hours ago, apparently you do too."••or the one in which spencer is drunk and surprising
Relationships: Ethan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 24
Kudos: 260





	One Last Shot (Don't Wanna Stop)

**Author's Note:**

> title from "last night" by lucy spraggan
> 
> yes i'm back on my drunk spencer bullshit

it was half two in the morning and almost every member of the team was sat in various states of exhaustion at the roundtable.

"what are we doing about reid?" prentiss asked, referring to the only person who wasn't there despite the briefing having just finished.

"we'll try him again." hotch replied. he pulled out his phone, calling reid before setting it on the table and putting it on speaker, keep his hands free to look through the file in front of him. after several rings, they were about to assume that reid just wasn't going to answer when a voice finally spoke from the device.

"doctor reid." his voice sounded thick, the team putting it down to having been just woken up.

"we have a case."

"oh. that sucks." he slurred.

hotch's eyebrows furrowed as the others shared amused glances. "reid, are you drunk?"

"noooo, of course not. i'm super responsible." he barely managed to make it to the end of his sentence before breaking out in a fit of giggles. "okay, okay, maybe i'm just a little drunk. but that's okay! just like, have a coffee or ten waiting for me when i get there."

morgan snorted. "pretty boy, how are you even gonna get here? you're drunk. want me to swing by your place?"

"i'm not at my place."

"oh?" prentiss raised an eyebrow at the phone as if it was sentient. "where are you then?"

"i'm at a-" he hiccuped, "at a friend's. but don't worry, guys! belle is here and she doesn't drink because she's a LOSER - i'm joking belle you don't have to drink if you don't want to - but anyway yeah, she can drive me! right, belle?"

a woman, presumably belle, laughed. "yes, spencer. i'll give you a ride."

"since when did you call me spencer?" the pout was practically heard in his voice.

"i'm so very sorry." she said in an over-exaggerated sweet voice. "yes, baby. i'll give you a ride."

"there we go! belle will drive me and i'll be there soon." a muffled voice spoke in the background, not distinct enough to distinguish words. "oh, yeah, you got a point! since when the fuck were _you_ the genius, dumbass?" the voice spoke again. "oh, yeah? how many phds you got, asshat? i got so many i lost count!"

the bau were holding back their laughs, very much amused at seeing this side of their genius. however, there was in fact a serial killer on the loose so the fun had to be cut short.

"reid," hotch said loudly, "as important as i'm sure your conversation is, you're needed. head straight for the jet, we'll see you there."

"sure thing, bossman. on my waaaay!"

spencer doesn't give them a chance to reply before hanging up the phone, leaving the team in a stunned silence for a few moments.

"well, that was unexpected." rossi mused.

hotch sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "i've dealt with a drunk reid before and i'm not looking forward to doing it again. whoever gets to the jet first, put the coffee on and grab a water bottle. we're sobering him up as fast as we can."

penelope grinned as the profilers stood. "i've never been so happy to have to come with you guys."

* * *

everybody was sat in their seats on the jet, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the doctor. hotch and rossi were sat in the seats facing each other, morgan was stood up, leaning over the back of garcia's seat at the table across from prentiss and jj. the couch was left free for reid as they planned to make him sleep at some point during the flight (after sitting him down at the table to get a few laughs first, of course).

"hey, hotch," jj turned to face him, his eyebrows raising slightly in response, "you said you've dealt with a drunk reid before, right? what exactly happened to make you dread doing it again?"

the others focused their attention on hotch as he sighed. "it was about a year ago. i was in the town late at night looking for a last minute birthday gift for a friend, when i hear arguing. initially i was going to ignore it but it sounded like it was in danger of becoming violent, so i try to figure out what's being said but it sounds like it's only one person and they were slurring their words too hard for me to decipher them. so i walk over, ready to get this guy some help. he's stood looking into a store window, the only things on the shelves being action figures, and he's on the phone. i say 'excuse me?' and he turns around, and suddenly i'm face to face with our very own doctor reid, drunk off his head. he shouts 'hotch', drops his phone, and tries to run to me with his arms up, i'm guessing to hug me. but instead he trips over his own feet, falling down and dragging me with him.

"i try to get up but it seems that the five seconds i was laying there in shock was enough for him to fall asleep on me. right there, on the street. thank god he's a twig because i had to carry him all the way to my house and set him up in my guest room. not what i had planned for the night and i didn't get my friend's present, but it would have been okay. if that was all, that is. but no, half an hour after i put him to bed, i hear banging downstairs. at first i think i'm being robbed so i grab my gun and head down, but it turned out to be a still drunk reid trying to make pancakes. i'm exhausted so i tell him to be quiet and careful and to get in bed soon. half an hour after getting back in bed, i'm almost asleep when my bedroom door opens. reid stumbles to my bed and drops down onto it, and before i can even react, he's wrapped his arms around me and fallen asleep."

the team laughed in delight whilst hotch smirked in amusement.

"what i want to know is-"

"well hello, doctor reid." jj cut garcia off with slightly wide eyes and a surprised smile.

they all turned their attention to the man stood lightly swaying at the front of the jet, go bag over his shoulder. the swaying was mildly concerning but for once none of the team was immediately thinking of the man's safety, instead focusing on what he was wearing. a white tennis skirt covered his thighs but left his surprisingly smooth legs exposed, and a pale pink hoodie that was clearly too big for him showed off his collarbones - more specifically, the several hickies across them.

one black converse covered foot tapped the floor as he drunkenly smiled at them and greeted much louder than needed, "hi, guys! oh, you saved me a seat. thank you!" he stumbled towards the aforementioned seat, dropping down onto it with an unexpected grace. "oh, who did my coffee? i gotta thank them!"

garcia blinked in joyful surprise and grinned. "hotch did, sweetness. got you a bottle of water too, that's right here."

reid attempted to stand up but lost his balance and fell back down into his seat giggling. "hotch!" he whisper-shouted. "hotch, come here!" hotch narrowed his eyes but did as asked, too curious to argue. the younger man didn't say a thing until his boss was stood directly in front of him, at which point he said, "come closer!" again, hotch did as asked, bending down slightly. reid quickly stretched up and planted a big kiss on his cheek. "thanks, boss!"

his eyes widened in surprise and a very faint blush appeared on his otherwise still stoic face, his subordinates gleefully laughing. "uh, you're welcome, reid. drink your coffee." he alerted the pilot that they were ready to take off before sitting back in his seat.

"you got it, sir!" he was still speaking too loudly but everybody found it far too endearing to stop. he grabbed his cup with both hands, holding it much like a child would. this brought attention to the fact that his sleeves were long enough to cover his hands entirely, giving him pink sweaterpaws.

"you are positively adorable, i just want to pinch your cheeks and give you a hug." garcia gushed.

"well my cheeks have been pinched more than enough tonight but you're welcome to hug me."

"why was someone pinching your face?" morgan asked.

his eyebrows furrowed as he turned to the man. "who mentioned anything about my face?"

shocked laughter rang through the jet, rossi and hotch just looking at each other in amusement while reid just looked confused.

"see, that brings me to _my_ question." prentiss stated. "i know for a fact those hickies weren't there when you left work earlier, so who did that?"

"oh my, was it belle, the one who called you baby? is she as pretty as her name suggests?" garcia leaned forwards, more than ready to hear his answer.

"no! that would be weird. not the pretty thing, she's definitely super pretty. but she's like my sister!"

"well they look pretty recent, so please tell me we weren't interrupting anything." jj laughed.

"oh, no. these happened before the party. was gonna finish it after the party but then some _jackass_ decided to call me into work." he sent a pointed glance at hotch with an over-exaggerated pout on his face, to which the man raised an eyebrow.

"you're blaming me? there's a serial killer to catch, reid."

reid sighed dramatically. "fine. some jackass decided to kill a bunch of people so that i couldn't go home and have sex. better?"

"i don't quite think that was the reason but i'm sure we can factor it into the profile if you're sure." hotch joked with a straight face.

the agent nodded emphatically. "i think we'll be able to crack the case wide open if we do."

"you know, pretty boy, you never answered the question. you got a secret girlfriend we don't know about?"

rossi spoke for the first time since reid stepped onto the jet. "he shows up in a skirt and you're asking if he has a girl? maybe we need to reconsider your place as a profiler."

"hey!" reid exclaimed. "straight men can wear skirts too. clothing items aren't tied to certain genders or sexualities and it's very old-fashioned of you to think otherwise. in fact, skirts and dresses have been worn by men for centuries. personally i think morgan would look great in a skirt." morgan sputtered for a second in surprise but recovered quickly, though before he could respond, reid continued talking. "but anyway his name is ethan and he's my ex."

everybody laughed before jj questioned, "you hooked up with your ex at a party?"

"no, of course not! there were other people at the party and only one of them has ever seen us have sex before and that was only because they were a part of it so it would just be rude to do anything at the party. no, we hooked up before and were gonna take a cab back to mine after." he shrugged.

"hang on a second there." prentiss said with eyes narrowed in suspicion. "new orleans. the missed plane." she made eye contact with morgan who caught on, mouth parting slightly in shock.

"ethan is your ex?" he crossed his arms. "pretty boy, did you miss our calls and a plane so that you could go have sex with your ex-boyfriend during a case?"

reid had the decency to look slightly bashful (though still with a smile) as he muttered, "it's not as if i planned for that to happen. one minute we were at the club and then suddenly i'm on my knees at his apartment. besides, i was pretty high at the time so it's not my fault."

rossi reeled back in shock. "excuse me? you were high during a case?" he looked at each person around him. they were all making a point of not returning the look - aside from reid, who was grinning at him.

"nothing for you to worry about, rossi." he giggled.

the italian looked as though he wanted to say more but was beat to speaking by morgan. "reid, ethan had sex with you while you were high?"

reid scoffed. "i was sober enough to be working a case, i was sober enough for sex. speaking of soberness, has anybody got tequila?"

the change of topic took everybody a second to catch up to. "you're not having tequila, reid. drink your coffee." hotch ordered.

"but i'm done! look!" he tipped his cup upside down and the few remaining drops fell out. he stared at the drops for a few moments before his head lolled to the side as he looked at garcia. "you got any tissues in that magic bag of yours?"

"you know i do, sugar." garcia got the tissues from her bag and wiped up the spilt coffee, before booping reid's nose with her finger. "now, i have a question."

"shoot!"

"the boss over there was telling us a story from when you were drunk a year ago and had to stay at his house. remember that?"

he thought for a second. "yeah, i remember! i lost my phone that night and had to buy another one the day after."

"well, apparently you were arguing whilst on the phone and i, personally, am very curious as to what could anger the good doctor whilst drunk if you're such a bubbly drunk."

the pout returned to his face, only furthering his teammates' urge to coo at him. "first off, i'm not always a bubbly drunk, i've just had a good night. second, i was on the phone to dylan. she said that i couldn't root for anakin skywalker just because he's hot, which, quite frankly, is very incorrect."

prentiss snorted. "you were rooting for darth vader?"

reid looked at her with as much seriousness as he could muster. "well it's not that i was rooting for him, per se. but if he told me to murder someone, i'd do it. no questions asked."

"maybe you shouldn't admit to being okay with killing someone just because an attractive man tells you to in front of a team of fbi agents." rossi suggested.

"aha!" reid pointed his finger at the man. "so you admit he is attractive! attractive enough to commit murder for. it's been agreed."

rossi raised an eyebrow. "i never said that."

reid put his forearms on the table and leaned forwards. "but you never denied it."

"he's got you there, man." morgan teased.

"aaron, control your team."

hotch continued looking at the paperwork in front of him. "you still haven't denied it, dave."

"oh, shit!" all eyes turned to reid, who was staring at his phone with his lips pursed.

"what's wrong?" jj asked, motherly concern taking over.

"i gotta take my contacts out now but marcus just texted me that my contact case is still at his. that means i have to wear my glasses until we get home." he huffed.

"you forgot your case? you, doctor spencer reid, forgot something?" prentiss teased.

"in my defense, i did a lot of shots tonight." he waved his hands around in a gesture that none of them quite knew the meaning of. "my intelligence isn't exactly up to par right now."

"so basically, you're just as dumb as the rest of us right now." morgan smirked.

"my brain may not be functioning right now but i'm still smarter than you when you're at your best. i know more than you ever will." he closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat.

"oh yeah? tell me, genius, what's the meaning of life?" morgan asked, prepared for his friend to just glare at him.

"the meaning of life is simply to live. we have no true purpose, no reason for being. we have no destiny to fulfil, no actual cause for existing. the meaning of life is to give life meaning. to quote someone very wise, 'life's what we make it, so let's make it rock'."

"...did you really just say all that and then quote hannah montana?"

"damn right i did."

"...moving on from that," jj decided, "spence, take your contacts out."

"okay!" he eyes opened and he lifted his hand to his face but before he could get closer, prentiss' hand shot out to grab his.

"wait," she said, "reid, is that eyeliner?"

reid blinked. "how have you only just noticed? i've been sat across from you this whole time. you should really work on your observation skills, prentiss."

garcia gasped. "it _is_ eyeliner! spencer reid, why did you never tell us that you not only like skirts but makeup too? you could have joined us for so many more girls' nights!"

his eyebrows furrowed, his brain taking longer than normal to process what was being said. "i didn't exactly hide it?"

"yeah but you never said anything either."

jj laughed. "penelope, it's not exactly the easiest thing to work into conversation, is it? 'yeah, this is definitely the work of a sexual sadist. also, i like feminine clothes and makeup. let's go see the body.' sure, because that'll go over well."

garcia huffed but a smile was present. "okay, fine, you may have a point. but spencer, you're totally invited to the next girls' night, especially now that we know we can talk about boys with you."

"is this to make up for the fact that prentiss is a lesbian and therefore won't talk about boys with you?"

prentiss chuckled. "it most definitely is, but i think it would be fun for you to be there. mostly because now i know you apparently like to party, so i finally have someone to do shots of tequila with."

he smiled. "i don't actually like to party, but i'm game for shots at girls' night!"

morgan tilted his head in question. "if you don't like to party, why were you at one tonight?"

"they're my friends from college. we get together every couple months and get completely wasted for old time's sake."

"weren't you a baby in college?" rossi asked.

"i didn't start drinking until a couple years in."

"and what exactly counts as a couple years?"

"i was fifteen."

"excuse me?" jj sat up straight. "you were drinking at fifteen?"

he rolled his eyes. "as if morgan or prentiss weren't doing the same thing."

"yeah, but you were like, the child prodigy. a super genius baby. i would've thought that you were heavily against drinking underage!" garcia insisted.

"my only friend who was about my age was ethan, and even he was a year older than me. everybody else was actually the appropriate age for college. i was surrounded by people getting drunk all the time, what would you expect to happen?"

"hang on," morgan held his hand out, "you had friends in college that supplied a fifteen year old with alcohol?"

"no, i bought the alcohol myself with a fake id. they refused to buy me any and only let me join them because they knew ethan and i would be drinking anyway and they wanted to make sure we were at least safe."

"you had a fake id to illegally buy alcohol?" hotch asked.

reid's eyes shot to hotch, and he reeled back in surprise. "oh shit, my boss is here." he looked at the others. "did you guys know my boss is here?"

"man, i love drunk reid." morgan grinned.

"thanks, drunk reid loves you too. sober reid says you're not his type."

"but he's drunk reid's type?" prentiss clarified.

"everybody is drunk reid's type."

"i am learning so much about you tonight and i'm loving it." garcia's smile took up her whole face.

hotch cleared his throat causing everybody turning to look at him. "we only have a few hours before we land and reid needs to be sober before we do. finish your water, take your contacts out, and go to sleep. you can change in the bathroom before we land and we'll brief you on the way to the station when we get there. everybody else get some sleep too."

"you know that means you have to get sleep too, right?" reid said as he began taking out his contacts.

"i have work to do."

"i also have work to do. we're heading for a case that i know nothing about, but i'm still gonna sleep. close the file and take a nap."

hotch raised his eyebrows. "you realise i'm the boss here, yes?"

reid mirrored his expression. "you realise i've spent all night chugging enough alcohol that i literally don't care whether you're my boss, yes?"

the team tried not to laugh, not wanting to get on hotch's bad side. rossi had no such qualms.

"listen to the kid, hotch." he chuckled. "you're gonna be dead on your feet when we get there. get some sleep."

the drunk man stood up from his seat, took a single step, and flopped down face-first onto the couch next to him. "there's a chance my ass is hanging out but at this point i'm too drunk to care."

morgan grabbed a blanket from the other side of the jet before laying it over his friend, who murmured a small 'thank you' and snuggled father into it. "you're welcome, kid. sleep well. and for the record, your ass was not hanging out."

"you sound pretty disappointed about that." a small tired smile spread across his face that nobody could see as he was facing the back of the seat.

"i think i'm good not seeing your ass, kid."

"hmm, could've fooled me." his exhaustion was beginning to show in his voice.

"sounds more like it's you that wants me to see your ass."

"in my defence, i was supposed to be having sex right now. someone's gotta-" he yawned, "make it up to me."

"shut up and go to sleep, pretty boy."

the last thing reid said before he fell into a deep sleep was, "talk to me like that again and what i do next is out of my hands."

"well," garcia spoke into the amused silence, "that was fun."

* * *

by time everybody was waking back up, reid was sat crossed-legged on the couch reading a book in his regular work clothes and glasses. the sweatervest and slacks combo was a far cry from the man that stepped onto the jet, as was the almost shy demeanour.

"so are you sober now?" prentiss smirked.

"yes, thank god." he turned his attention to the whole jet, seeing that everybody's eyes were already on him. "uh- i would just like to apologise for my behaviour when i first got here. i've been told that i can be quite a handful when i'm intoxicated."

"awe, you don't need to apologise!" garcia assured. "it was very entertaining."

a blush spread across his face. "i'm not quite sure 'entertaining' is the word i'd use. i'm thinking more along the lines of 'mortifying' right now."

"at least you didn't cuddle hotch this time." reid wished he didn't have his glasses on so that he wouldn't have to see the smug look on morgan's face.

"you did nearly cuddle morgan though." prentiss reminded him.

jj laughed. "pretty sure he would've jumped morgan if he wasn't so tired."

"can you blame him? one can only resist adonis, the god of beauty, for so long."

reid groaned and dropped his head back against his seat, eyes closed but facing the ceiling. "can we just forget this ever happened?"

"reid, man, you showed up in a skirt with hickies all over you, drunk as shit, and said that one of us should have sex with you. i don't think any of us are going to forget it anytime soon." morgan grinned.

"you all suck."

"based off of what you said a few hours ago, apparently you do too."

reid stuck his middle finger up in prentiss' general direction in lieu of replying.

"i'm never drinking again." he decided.

"but girls' night!" garcia looked genuinely offended, though she knew the doctor wasn't serious.

one eye peaked open as he looked at her. "i suppose one drink on girls' night wouldn't hurt."

"just don't invite morgan or he'll probably drag him off an hour into drinking."

reid's head dropped down so his chin was against his chest in embarrassment, ignoring the laughter around him while a smile tugged at his lips.

he was looking forward to girls' night.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!! feedback is appreciated:)
> 
> i'm not entirely sure how i feel about this one but i'm posting it anyway!!
> 
> i now have a [tumblr](http://sadspencer.tumblr.com) too with the same username as here:) come be my friend


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